Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
