If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
How's work?
Spinning.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
