Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
