3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
