so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
