He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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