This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
