Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
