Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
