i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
