I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
