My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
