Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
