I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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