I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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