He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
