i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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