peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
