I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize