she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
