When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
