when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
