so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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