bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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