He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
