I met the friendliest cop last night
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
