Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
