i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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