Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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