Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
