So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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