my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
