Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Sober January is a disaster.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
