I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The uberlube is also flammable
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
