I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
