i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
