Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
