god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
