Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
