Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
