i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The air was thick with penises
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
