Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
