Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She bit a glass in half.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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