Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We need a shit load of segways right now
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
