You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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