nut hugger
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
