sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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