you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Randomize
