bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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