My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
