I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
