Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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