he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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