I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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