I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I intend to get homeless drunk
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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