On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
