My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
