Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
