You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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